My biggest dating fear: do I tell them I’m autistic?

Dating can be complicated for many people. But navigating the world of relationships as an autistic person can be utterly exhausting. Growing up I was taught next to nothing about relationships beyond watching a short video comparing consent to making a cup of tea and receiving one cringy Year Seven biology lesson on how babies are made. A lot of autistic people don’t receive any relationship and sex education (RSE) because society views us as too childlike to ever need to know this stuff.

A unique perspective

There are so many avenues to find “the one” these days, but entering the online dating world as an autistic person brings extra dilemmas. I live and experience life differently to non-autistic people and because of this, the way I view relationships and dating is completely unique. Before I even thought about dating, one of the biggest fears at the start of friendships was “do I tell them I’m autistic?” With relationships, telling a potential partner that I’m autistic is a LOT more nerve-wracking because I’m even more worried about making a good impression. I am loud, I have no filter, and I can’t lie. I prefer being in relationships with people who understand this – typically other neurodivergent people.

Unspoken signs and sensory overload

For me, reading people’s body language and facial expressions is difficult. This has led to make-or-break situations when getting to know any new person, let alone a romantic partner. Trying to work out when someone is flirting with you is really hard. There are so many unspoken signs that non-autistic people instantly pick up on – but I don’t have a clue.

Being autistic can also make environments that are seen as “typical” for dates: coffee shops, bars, restaurants, more overwhelming. They can be too loud, have too many smells, or be too crowded. The right date spot is really important. I have a really limited diet so if someone invites me for a coffee, I need them to send me the location or menu in advance so I can check it works for me. I also need a potential partner to know how to support me if I experience a shutdown or meltdown. These are physical or emotional responses to a really stressful situation that can leave me unable to talk or move for a period of time. It’s quite embarrassing to declare this but important for someone I’m seeing to know.

Boundaries and communication

I have to be in control of plans in all aspects of my life, so when it comes to intimate relationships, I always discuss hard nos and boundaries with my partner before we even get to the front door. I find that if I can’t communicate my boundaries, then I know I’m not in a fit state to go into a relationship. Instead, I focus on other things like uni work or keeping my flat clean. I also can’t stand serious conversations with a partner that start late at night, or in person. For me, this just triggers a freeze response as I need more time and privacy to process big emotions without the pressure to act in a certain way.

I always find the thing that makes dating or meeting someone new less nerve-wracking is being upfront and clear with communication. For example, if a date didn’t go the way we thought it would, being able to communicate openly that something didn’t quite work out - rather than completely ghosting them.

Shared special interests

Lots of autistic people have an intense interest in a particular hobby or topic so picking a date activity linked to this works really well. For me, I really love trains and so does my partner, so we go on dates that mostly revolve around trains, but I also love live music so I often plan some of our date nights at concerts and festivals! My mum always taught me that interests make a person interesting, they bring so much to a relationship so don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yours.

About the author

Susannah Carter is 19-year-old autistic student studying in London. She has helped develop new resources for autistic young people on intimacy and relationship.

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