My experience of autistic impostor syndrome
What is autistic impostor syndrome?
Autistic impostor syndrome is when an autistic individual persistently questions whether they are autistic or not. People experiencing autistic impostor syndrome may have thoughts such as, ‘what if I’m not actually autistic?’, ‘what if I’m faking being autistic?’, ‘what if my diagnosis is wrong?’ and this can cause significant distress to autistic individuals.
My experience of autistic impostor syndrome
I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 14 years old, but I began experiencing autistic impostor syndrome long before I’d even been diagnosed. Whilst I was on the waiting list for an autism assessment, I started having thoughts like ‘what if I get diagnosed, but I’m not actually autistic - then I’ll feel really guilty’. I couldn’t make sense of or explain what I was feeling, I was just so distressed at the thought of being diagnosed incorrectly.
Around this time, I told my friend I may be autistic and she made a comment about how I didn’t seem autistic, because I wasn’t like an autistic boy she knew, and this further fuelled my impostor syndrome.
My diagnosis came later that year, confirming I’m autistic, but I still had doubts. Was I really autistic and how could I be sure? It took me a while to realise and accept that I could never be 100% sure. As an autistic person, I crave certainty about everything, but this was something I could never be completely certain about.
I spent some time exploring autism and what it means to me – how it affects me, finding other autistic people who are similar to me, thinking about how I feel about the label of autism – and this helped me to foster a more positive autistic identity.
I know I’m autistic and I feel proud and happy wearing that label - it helps me understand myself and enables me to access more appropriate support, and best of all, I get to belong to the wonderfully diverse autistic community.
What I feel contributed to my autistic impostor syndrome
It took me a while to work through my impostor syndrome, and I spent a lot of time unlearning myths about autism that I had been told all my life. I feel a lot of my impostor syndrome came from what others thought of autism and me, so I found it incredibly useful taking time to make my own mind up about autism.
There’s very little understanding of autism in the general public and there are so many inaccurate and harmful autistic stereotypes out there. Autistic representation in the media is very limited and often focuses on white, cis-males with high support needs, instead of all the many different ways autism can look. This can fuel impostor syndrome, as the way some people’s autism presents is very different to society’s expectations of autism.
As an autistic person, I’ve spent my whole life doubting almost everything I think and do, questioning if I seem “normal”, why I don’t fit-in, so it’s understandable that the habit of questioning myself continued, fuelling my impostor syndrome.
Autistic people are (unfairly) so used to changing themselves to meet society’s expectations, whether it’s an expectation to appear non-autistic or to appear more autistic, we often spend our lives trying to be more or less to please other people and that pressure can be a factor that contributes to impostor syndrome.
How to look after yourself when experiencing autistic impostor syndrome
If you think you might be experiencing autistic impostor syndrome, please know you’re not alone. It’s really important to take time to look after yourself and seek professional support if needed.
Here are some things I’ve found useful when dealing with impostor syndrome:
- Speak to someone you trust and who you think will understand what you’re going through.
- Try to be kind to yourself, impostor syndrome can cause you to feel negatively about yourself, so using more positive self-talk and developing self-compassion can be really helpful at counteracting that.
- Connect with other autistic people and find more real-life stories from autistic people that you can relate to.
- Distract yourself from your impostor syndrome by doing something you enjoy.
It’s completely okay to have these worries and doubts – so many autistic people experience this. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way and having these thoughts doesn’t mean you’re faking autism or you aren’t autistic.
Remember, every single autistic person is completely different and that’s okay, you don’t have to change yourself to fit inaccurate ideas of what it means to be autistic. Take the time to look after yourself and decide how you feel about being autistic.
It took a while for me to work through my impostor syndrome, but I got there and now I feel extremely happy and comfortable being my true, autistic, self.
About the author
I’m extremely passionate about raising awareness of autism and mental health. I share my experiences of living as an autistic young person on my blog ‘The Loud & Proud Misfit’. In my spare time, I enjoy dancing, being creative and watching documentaries.
