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Please someone answer this, never really felt this helpless before.

ulrichburke's picture

Please someone answer this, never really felt this helpless before.

Sat 2 Mar 2019 3:59pm

Hi! I need help to learn why I get banned from loads of places and how I can get to fit into groups better.

I'm Chris, I have Asperger's, Cerebra Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Caetextia. Not sure if I'm putting this in the right part of Fb or if I'm using Fb right so if I'm not, tell me to move this and I will.  NOT good at this site. Anyway.

I REALLY want to feel safe in groups. I've spent my life being physically beaten up because I'm 'weird', 'monster man', 'Shrek', 'Captain Nightmare', many more, you get the idea! All because my face looks odd.  Now I try to fit into groups, have friends, get to DO STUFF with others and I constantly find myself banned, rejected, kicked out, always for different reasons and always for reasons I don't believe are the actual right ones but I don't know what the right ones ARE so I don't know what to change about me. 

Like a few days ago I went into a bar I'd been going into. All the people I thought were my buddies were there so I happily walked towards them and this bouncer comes up to me 'We need to talk.' So I asked him 'What's up? and he went 'People have been complaining about the stink when you're around. We can't have anyone that stinks as bad as you in here.'  I looked at my 'buddies' and not one of them stood up for me, I'd've stood up for any of them - and had done in the past - and so I left.  

Then I asked people outside if I stank and they all said 'no!'

I've had exactly the above problem all my life. Literally from school upwards. At College, which was a live-in disability college so EVERYONE was disabled there, I couldn't get included in any of the extra-curricular activities, had all my clothes slashed up, my lovely record collection smashed. People in my class wouldn't speak to me or let me join in. Got the boss guy in the group saying 'We don't like you. You don't like us (only because I was suspicious of them after how they always treated me) Don't spoil the rest of our course by talking to us.' After that, I was flat dead to all of them including the teacher, but I won't go into him here. 

Right now, I'm banned from a couple of day centres because my face 'scares the others, sorry!' I'm banned from a shopping centre unless I'm in a shop, because the bouncer thinks I look like a pedo (whatever THEY look like!) And I've just got banned from ANOTHER bar, as above, along with the big local pier (apparently I bumped into some woman on purpose with sexual motivations. I don't do things like that, though I AM clumsy because of dyspraxia) I've been robbed of £350 by a 'friend', get people backing away bigstyle in buses (you wanna seat on a crowded bus? Have a face like mine, works wonders!) 

Please, I really, really want to know how to physically belong to a group. Without all the fear. I'm off to see someone who says she's my girlfriend right now and - this is hard but I do need help - I don't really love her, just am terrified not to do what she wants. If I don't, then she and her friends might turn against me too and they all know where I live.  I just want to be with people, or someone, I can actually feel safe with and not terrified of. I don't want to go through the rest of my life terrified of people.  

I volunteer for loads of stuff but get turned down all the time because I'm disabled and therefore useless. As I haven't had the chance to gain experience, if I make a mistake that PROVES I'm useless! And I've always got to put up with the fear that comes of not understanding WHY anyone's saying what they are to me, what they mean by it, I can't tell if they're being sarcastic or honest, I do things because I think they're being honest and they weren't meaning it, then I get socially kicked out AGAIN and never understand the real reasons WHY, I just know they're probably not the ones the group says openly.

There's a guy who lives downstairs from me who's always kicking my door in, he says he doesn't want to live in the same building as 'That f'in weirdo' and if I try writing music or anything which I love doing, or he thinks I'm walking too loudly, or anything, he comes up and kicks my door in.  He's smashed a glass into my head once but that was in the lift and there's no camera so I've no proof. He said I did it myself and the cops believed him. 

I'm just scared, scared, scared, scared all the time. Of everything, everywhere, of not understanding what's going on. Most of the time I just want to drink something that will finish me off just so I'm not scared any more but they don't sell the stuff online much any more and I'm not sure I trust the sites that say they do.  Please, can someone help me find a way to get me able to feel safe with other people and to actually BE in groups so I'm not always kicked out and I understand what's going on?

Yours hopefully, Chris.

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  • ulrichburke's picture

    Just to say yes, as you'll read in the above post, I've put it on Fb too just because I thought I might get help there. I'm sorry I used the same post twice, I was not trying to spam it's just as it's the same story it would have been the same words anyway and it's the same things about me.

    Hope someone answers


  • shep277's picture

    Hi Chris,

    How are things going for you now? Have there been any improvements recently? I had to wait to be accepted before I could respond and eventually got this today.


  • Runningwithscissors's picture

    Hi Chris, 

    I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be really hard for you. 

    Without knowing you it would be really hard comment on what you could change, however, my overall feeling is that it’s it’s other people’s ignorance that have caused you to be excluded. 

    Please go and see someone if you feel like you will do something to harm yourself. This can not force you to finalise things. This is fixable, you just have to find the right hearts. 

    This girl, who claims to be your girlfriend, is she taking advantage of your nature? Money? Favours? Don’t allow someone to do anything you don’t want to do. 

    Is there someone you can reach out to? Do you have any close friends or family that you can depend on to help? Maybe come to a few groups with you? 

    I hope you are ok. Please message back if you need to talk. 

  • Vorondil's picture

    Hi Chris,

    I read your post and thought of a few things that might be able to help. Although, as another user said, we don't know you personally, so I can't say how much any of these things apply, but based on what you said, they might be worth trying out. And, before I say anything, know that this isn't a criticism of you as a person and I don't have anything against you, I'm just interpreting what I know of neurotypicals (non-autistic folk) in a way that can help you if you want to blend in with them sometimes.

    Alright, now with that out of the way, we can get started.

    The first incident you spoke of was visiting a bar and the bouncer complaining that you stink. Your friends didn't stand up for you for whatever reason (maybe they didn't hear what was going on, maybe they're cowards, or maybe they secretly agreed and didn't want to say anything). When you asked people outside if you stank, they all said 'no'. 

    Number one thing you should realize, neurotypical persons are rarely upfront and honest with people, especially when they think someone can be offended or it would be 'awkward' to speak about. Given this, it's possible that your 'friends' thought you stank and didn't want to say anything. I don't know that they did, just saying it's possible. More importantly, people on the outside are going to say 'no', regardless of how you smell, unless they're horrible, mean human beings or you're just so completely malodorous that they throw etiquette to the wind and have to fess up to you. Basically, the fact that your 'friends' never said anything before and the people outside disagreed doesn't mean that you didn't 'stink' (by "stink", I'm guessing they mean body odour). It's also possible that the strangers on the outside didn't close enough for a good sniff (unless they were actually sniffing you, which would be really weird), so their perception would be different than a person sitting next to you in a bar. 

    So, what can you do about this?

    Start with making sure to shower/bathe every day. Use soap and clean your whole body. If you do have a natural odour that other people dislike, then this will be a necessary step towards neutralizing that. Next, make sure you use antipersperant/deodorant (the combo kind is best, rather than one or the other). Personally, I favor the milder scents, so I would suggest one of those. Strongly scented deodorant can cause similar problems to what you've already experienced, so that would be inadvisable. Finally, you'll want to find some nice cologne. A female coworker of mine says that the fancy, name brand stuff is best (also most expensive), but you can choose what you like. If you have some respected female persons in your life, you can ask them about which scents to get (if they're there with you when you're picking one out, that might help). Once you have one that you like (or several, if you want different scents for different occasions), then you just need to use it properly. From what my coworker told me, you apply cologne right after you shower (after you've dried off with a towel). Apply a spritz to the neck, maybe the chest, and the upper back. I read somewhere that "pulse points" (neck and inner wrist) are the desired application points. I'm not really sure what the point of cologne on the inner wrist is, but to each their own. Just make sure not to use too much. Two to four spritzes, hold the bottle 3 to 6 inches away when you spritz, and don't rub it in after.

    Oh, and always make sure that you wear clean clothes (as in, freshly washed and you haven't worn them any previous times since you've washed them) and don't try to go to any bar or social gathering after you've been working out, unless you've showered and put on clean clothes first (plus the other hygiene steps mentioned above). 

    Almost forgot, oral hygiene is also important. So if you can, brush your teeth twice a day (I know, it's a pain, but bad breath is a major turn off for people) and use mouth wash before going somewhere and bring some breath mints for while you're there. Make sure to see a dentist every six months, as well, for regular checkups, cleaning, and to make sure that you don't have some terrible oral bacteria that is giving you terrible breath (a.k.a. 'stink'). 

    Do all of these things, and no one should be able to complain about your 'stink' ever again. Oh, and if this seems like a lot of effort just to fit in, keep in mind that this is standard fare for every neurotypical human out there who also wants to fit in in the social scene. Basically, this is normal, and accepted, behavior. If you're not keeping up your part, then people are going to complain about 'stink' because you'll smell different than they expect and they don't like that. Of course, they won't say that to your face (unless they're incredibly brazen), but they're perfectly okay with talking about you behind your back and making the bouncer confront you on their behalf. So do your part to fit into society, and they will have one less thing to complain about.


    Regarding how you look, that one is a lot tougher to deal with. Especially since we don't know how you look in the first place (I understand not wanting to share your picture online, I wouldn't want to either, I'm just saying that we're only guessing here). 

    I think, if you start with the above suggestions about proper hygiene, you'll be better than you were before. Then you'll just need to make sure you are well-groomed. Things like getting a hair cut if it's too long or unkempt, making sure to comb your hair, maybe even using hair gel (a decent barber should be able to give you suggestions on what may be a good look for you, as well as tips on how to maintain said look). If you have facial hair, then make sure it is well trimmed and presentable. Maybe you would prefer to be clean shaven (unless you're trying to hid a facial deformity, or something, then you just want to make sure it looks good. Again, consult a stylist with experience in that area so they can  help you look nice). Try to keep yourself physically fit, to the extent that you are able. A person who is fit, hygienic, and well-groomed will be more attractive to others than one who is not. Currently, there is something offputting about you in others' perceptions. So these tips are to help you be more approachable. 

    Do they have stylists where you are? If you could make an appointment with one and just say "I want to look clean and approachable (or at least just not scary), what do I need to do?" then maybe they could give you more specific guidance.

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