Hi! I need help to learn why I get banned from loads of places and how I can get to fit into groups better.
I'm Chris, I have Asperger's, Cerebra Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Caetextia. Not sure if I'm putting this in the right part of Fb or if I'm using Fb right so if I'm not, tell me to move this and I will. NOT good at this site. Anyway.
I REALLY want to feel safe in groups. I've spent my life being physically beaten up because I'm 'weird', 'monster man', 'Shrek', 'Captain Nightmare', many more, you get the idea! All because my face looks odd. Now I try to fit into groups, have friends, get to DO STUFF with others and I constantly find myself banned, rejected, kicked out, always for different reasons and always for reasons I don't believe are the actual right ones but I don't know what the right ones ARE so I don't know what to change about me.
Like a few days ago I went into a bar I'd been going into. All the people I thought were my buddies were there so I happily walked towards them and this bouncer comes up to me 'We need to talk.' So I asked him 'What's up? and he went 'People have been complaining about the stink when you're around. We can't have anyone that stinks as bad as you in here.' I looked at my 'buddies' and not one of them stood up for me, I'd've stood up for any of them - and had done in the past - and so I left.
Then I asked people outside if I stank and they all said 'no!'
I've had exactly the above problem all my life. Literally from school upwards. At College, which was a live-in disability college so EVERYONE was disabled there, I couldn't get included in any of the extra-curricular activities, had all my clothes slashed up, my lovely record collection smashed. People in my class wouldn't speak to me or let me join in. Got the boss guy in the group saying 'We don't like you. You don't like us (only because I was suspicious of them after how they always treated me) Don't spoil the rest of our course by talking to us.' After that, I was flat dead to all of them including the teacher, but I won't go into him here.
Right now, I'm banned from a couple of day centres because my face 'scares the others, sorry!' I'm banned from a shopping centre unless I'm in a shop, because the bouncer thinks I look like a pedo (whatever THEY look like!) And I've just got banned from ANOTHER bar, as above, along with the big local pier (apparently I bumped into some woman on purpose with sexual motivations. I don't do things like that, though I AM clumsy because of dyspraxia) I've been robbed of £350 by a 'friend', get people backing away bigstyle in buses (you wanna seat on a crowded bus? Have a face like mine, works wonders!)
Please, I really, really want to know how to physically belong to a group. Without all the fear. I'm off to see someone who says she's my girlfriend right now and - this is hard but I do need help - I don't really love her, just am terrified not to do what she wants. If I don't, then she and her friends might turn against me too and they all know where I live. I just want to be with people, or someone, I can actually feel safe with and not terrified of. I don't want to go through the rest of my life terrified of people.
I volunteer for loads of stuff but get turned down all the time because I'm disabled and therefore useless. As I haven't had the chance to gain experience, if I make a mistake that PROVES I'm useless! And I've always got to put up with the fear that comes of not understanding WHY anyone's saying what they are to me, what they mean by it, I can't tell if they're being sarcastic or honest, I do things because I think they're being honest and they weren't meaning it, then I get socially kicked out AGAIN and never understand the real reasons WHY, I just know they're probably not the ones the group says openly.
There's a guy who lives downstairs from me who's always kicking my door in, he says he doesn't want to live in the same building as 'That f'in weirdo' and if I try writing music or anything which I love doing, or he thinks I'm walking too loudly, or anything, he comes up and kicks my door in. He's smashed a glass into my head once but that was in the lift and there's no camera so I've no proof. He said I did it myself and the cops believed him.
I'm just scared, scared, scared, scared all the time. Of everything, everywhere, of not understanding what's going on. Most of the time I just want to drink something that will finish me off just so I'm not scared any more but they don't sell the stuff online much any more and I'm not sure I trust the sites that say they do. Please, can someone help me find a way to get me able to feel safe with other people and to actually BE in groups so I'm not always kicked out and I understand what's going on?
Yours hopefully, Chris.